Randall
Caselman
7-26-97
Type: Sermon
Healing Broken Relationships
Reading — Psalm 128.1-6
I have been asked this question several times, why are you preaching this series of lessons to the people of Bella Vista? Or the ones who really need these lessons are not here. I never ceased to be amazed, how we think that because of age, we are excluded from hurt and can always live above marital problems... We are not! Broken relationships CAN... Does... And will happen to us at any age... At any age. We never get too old for personal conflicts... For ruptured relationships. If you think you are, why don’t you come up here and tell us just exactly what age one becomes immune to hurt. Truth is, I don’t think you can do it.
For instance: Two weeks ago, I had a lady in my office, who was over 80, and she had experienced, for the very first time in her life, some physical violence on the part of her spouse. She had been hurt, no not so much physically, as emotionally. And unless she and her loving husband had not handled this correctly, they would have ruptured over 50 years of great togetherness.
Just this last week, I held the hand of another woman, by the way, she was also over 80, as she told me in tears, I wish I had played more golf with my husband instead of stubbornly doing what I wanted to do. She went on to say, I know I hurt him and robbed myself of real joy in life.
Folk, I am telling you we never get too old to be hurt. We never get too old to have our feelings wounded and our family relationships ruptured.
With these thoughts in mind, I want to begin a portion of our study,
on how to restore broken relationships.
I talk to people almost every day, good people, Christian people, who tell me about their struggles, their fears and above all their hurts. Most marriage surveys reveal that the biggest problem we face in marriage is how to effectively deal with and resolve conflict. Offenses and hurt are a normal part of marriage or any other relationship, be it in the home, at church, down at work or in the neighborhood.
You see, conflict is inevitable!... WHY? Let me give you several reasons
First, because of family background.
Just a few decades ago, most people married others in the same small geographic area. Their socioeconomic backgrounds were similar, their families probably knew each other. However, in our mobile society men and women are moving away from home, working, going to school and meeting each other in settings that are totally different. These differing backgrounds inevitably lead to some offenses and hurts.
Personal differences
She’s outgoing; he’s an introvert. She loves to talk... He is the quite type. She likes a quiet evening curled up with a book.... He likes as noisy football game. Her idea of a good time is meeting and visiting friends... His is going fishing or hunting. During courtship they see personality differences as attractive. But sometimes these same differences cause real problems after the wedding. Or worse than that, even after 50 years of putting up with them. It’s true, if not handled correctly, personality differences can be the root cause of many conflicts.
Differing values and philosophies
As our society slides further and further from its original Judeo-Christian base, conflicts sparked by:
• Differing world views,
• And different religious philosophies,
Become more and more common. This is why it is so important for us to consider marriage within the church. No, I am not saying, we can’t go to heaven married to someone outside of Christ. I am saying that the Bible encourages us to not be unequally yoked together. And I don’t know any place, were that togetherness yoke is any more intimate than in marriage... Do you? This unequal yoke may not cause us to lose our souls, but it can certainly lead to hurt and misunderstandings.
Then there is male female differences
You’re probably saying, preacher how perceptive of you to notice. We will cover this more in-depth in a future lesson oh His Needs... Her Needs, but it should be pointed out here that God did not make us the same in MANY, MANY ways. Folk, our sexuality is not the only difference between men and women. Anyone who doubts that males and females are unique should observe how they each approach a game of cards, golf, tennis or volleyball. Women often use the event as an excuse for fellowship and friendship conversation. For men the name of the game is conquest... We play to win. The aggressive competitiveness is usually found in the men, much more than in the ladies. Men and women differ in many areas, and this difference has always held the potential for misunderstand and hurt.
A lot of conflict today is caused by wrong advice... Listening to the wrong voices.
For instance:
• Voices from our culture.
Culture tells us if you don’t like the spouse you have, if you can’t get along with him or her, find another... You don’t have to get along. Divorce is glorified in our culture. Church, culture does not, cannot determine right and wrong. Culture only reflects our human preferences.
• Voices from the media.
Cosmopolitan and Sally Jessy Raphael do not determine truth in our relationships. If you listen to the voices from the media, you are going to have conflicts in your marriage, I can guarantee it.
• Some get their advice from friends.
I wonder how many times we’ve heard someone say, why don’t you leave him, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. Or My old lady would be out in the street, if she acted that way. If we listen to these voices, we will continually be in conflict and we’ll never heal our broken relationships.
• Others get their advice from secular counseling.
The problem with secular counseling is that it discourages the client and therapist from centering on the very source of change that can ultimately free us, Jesus Christ. To conduct therapy without God and the Bible is like jumping on a trampoline without a spotter. Nobody knows where you’re gonna land. There can be only one source of truth on which to both build and correct our relationships when they go bad. That standard must be the holy, inerrant, word of God. When each spouse shows a willingness to submit and adjust their lives to the Word, then and only then will we be able to heal our hurts.
OK — For the remainder of the lesson tonight,
lets notice some things we must do to restore ruptured relationships.
First, we must learn to deal with our own pride.
Human pride is the number one cause of sustained broken relationships. Pride may not have caused the rupture, but it is pride that sustains it. Proverbs tells us that pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
The pride I am speaking of tonight is not:
• Pride in one’s work,
• Pride in one’s family,
• Or pride in one’s country.
I am talking about the type of pride that says:
• I’ll live my life the way I want to live it.
• Pride that refuses to admit fault.
• Pride that says, I would rather maintain this broken relationship than to let others see me as a failure.
• Pride that places all the blame for a conflict on the other person.
• Pride that sets two people in their trenches, refusing to take the first step toward peace.
Church, the antithesis of pride is what?... Humility. Humility is what allows us to graciously give into others,
• Even when we are not at fault,
• Even when the other party does not deserve it.
Jesus is our example.
• In the upper room, He gave in to the disciples and washed their feet.
• In the Garden, He gave into the will of the father, not my will but thine be done.
• On Golgotha, He gave in to the will of the crowd and let them crucify Him... He could have stopped them! He could have called ten thousand angels.
• On the cross, He gave in to the Roman soldiers saying, Father, forgive them, they know not what they do. Humility is what allowed the Prodigal son to return to the father and say, forgive me, make me a servant. Exercising humility allows us to take a long look inside, so we can see where we are losing our relationships and how to close the open doors of conflict. Humility is a gift we rarely ask for. Do you know why?... Because it usually comes in the form of some very difficult lessons.
Listen to these thoughts from Scripture:
• Jesus said, Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.
• Paul admonishes us in Romans, 12.3, Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.
• Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
• James writes, God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Church:
• If we are going to stop conflicts in our marriages,
• If we are going to heal our ruptured relationships,
• If we’re going to mend our broken homes,
We must first deal with our pride.
Secondly, we must learn to deal with our guilt.
Dr. Bruce Narramore describes guilt as constructive sorrow. He says, It is the only reaction to wrong doing that produces lasting change for the right reasons. We must know tonight that, constructive sorrow leads us to repentance, a turning away from sin.
Listen to Paul as he writes to the church at Corinth about this concept of constructive sorrow, Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it--I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while--yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
Unresolved guilt can inhibit the restoration of broken relationships. You see, when we’re feeling guilty, we need to ask ourselves three direct questions:
• Have I violated a law of God that would lead me feel this way?
• Have I hurt someone by the way I have behaved?
• And what can I need to do to correct this situation?
Then take the necessary steps to correct it.
What do we do, when we are guilty of sin and of hurting others? What does the Bible say?
• First, admit our sins... To God and to the one we hurt.
John says, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. James tells us, Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. This is the real problem in our relationships today, we are too proud to admit our sins. Pride is what keeps us from walking church aisles. Pride is what sustains broken relationships. We must humble ourselves before God and the one we have hurt.
• Secondly, we must be genuinely sorry for our behavior.
Paul says, Godly sorrow brings about repentance. Being sorry because we got caught is not Godly sorrow. Being sorry just to get what we want is not Godly sorrow. Being sorry just to please and appease our spouse, or other family member, is not Godly sorrow. Godly sorrow is dealing withÉ
• Our own conscience,
• Our own guilt,
• Because of our own convictions.
Too many of us are simply playing the part of a hypocrite. We say we are sorry just to please and appease another individual. Guilt is never truly dealt with in this fashion.
OK, Godly sorrow brings what?... REPENTANCE! Guilt is only dealt with in genuine repentance. Repentance is defined as a complete change... A 180 degree turn. Repentance means whatever we were doing to displease God and hurt others must be stopped or it is not genuine repentance.
• If we’re lying... STOP, and start telling the truth.
• If we’re having an affair... Stop our sexual escapades, both physical and mental and start being sexually faithful to our spouse, both physically and mentally.
• If we’re inconsiderate of our spouse, repentance is our becoming considerate.
• If we’re being abusive, physically, emotionally, socially, sexually or intellectually, repentance means we stop the abuse... Whatever its form, and be loving and supportive.
I must add here that genuine New Testament repentance means restitution where restitution is possible. Zacchaeus, when he repented said, I will sell half of my possessions and give to the poor and will pay back four times the amount, if I have cheated anybody. Husbands, wives, if you have violated the confidence and trust of your spouse, repentance is not just:
• Saying I am sorry,
• And stopping what you have been doing.
Genuine repentance is then doing all you can to restore that relationship. Church, the burden of guilt is lifted only, ONLY when we deal with it according to God’s formula.
Thirdly tonight, we must get rid of our laziness.
This one may surprise your, but laziness is a real problem in our relationships. Folk, it takes work, serious hard work, to heal a broken relationship. It’s not easy... Don’t let anybody fool you here.
Many marriages fail today because maintaining a relationship just takes too much work. We are not willing to make the effort. So, when conflict arises:
• We just pull away,
• Unplug from the relationship,
• And plug into our own fantasies.
Sometime these fantasies become real and then our marriages are in serious trouble.
Its true, laziness is an enemy of restoring broken relationships. When we refuse to work at resolving our conflicts because of laziness, it is of the devil. Our Bible has a lot to say about laziness. The Bible word is what? Do you know what the Bible word for laziness it? Slothfulness. SLOTHFULNESS, it even sound lazy. It sounds like you’ve laid too long in the bath water.
Listen to this bit of scripture from Proverbs 24, I went past the field of the sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins. Does this sound like some of our marriages? A field, a vineyard overgrown with weeds and thorns, walls that lie in ruins?
Listen now, I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw: A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest--and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.
In Romans 12.11 Paul admonishes us, to not be slothful, but fervent in spirit. The NIV says, Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Know this tonight... God is against laziness. Too many of our relationships are:
• Broken down,
• Filled with weeds,
• Lie in ruins,
Because we are simply too lazy to make the effort, too lazy to fix them.
Folk, LOVE is not something that just naturally occurs. Love is a WORK. If you don’t believe me read First Corinthians 13 again. Familiar scripture needs to be reread... Listen.
Love is patient,
Love is kind.
Love does not envy,
Love does not boast,
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude,
Love is not self-seeking,
Love is not easily angered,
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Sounds like work to me
Lazy people simply drift from one shallow relationship to another. They are never willing to put the:
• Time,
• Energy,
• Money,
• And effort,
Into making them work.
Church, don’t get to the end of life and look back to only to realize that we’re never close:
• To your mate,
• Your children,
• Grandchildren,
• Or friends,
Because you were too lazy to love. What a regret, what a regret. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need that kind of remorse... Not now... Not ever!
Number four, fear keeps us from healing broken relationships.
Many people know they need to resolve their conflicts and heal their ruptured relationships, and often they even know HOW to do it, but they lack the courage to confront some real or perceived threat. So they avoid dealing with the issue, deciding instead to remain in conflict... In a broken relationship.
There are four different types of fear that prevent us from resolving conflict:
• The fear of failure.
Wanting to avoid another failure is a real stumbling block to our trying one more time to resolve the conflict and heal our broken relationship. People who live with a fear of relationship failure often develop a life-style involving a minimal amount of interaction with others... Including family. They live lives of boredom and end up dying on the vine of mediocrity. Believing all along that nothing ventured, nothing lost. But the sad truth is also nothing gained.
• The fear of rejection.
Sometimes it seems easier to live in conflict or in a broken relationship than to suffer the pain of rejection again. Some have been hurt so many times that they decide not to love again in fear of rejection. Don’t do that! God made us for relationships and His desire is that we do all we can to cultivate them. Paul in Romans 12.18 says, If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Church, good relationships are worth trying again, even if it means another rejection.
• The fear of intimacy.
I’m not talking about sexual intimacy here, I am speaking of emotional intimacy. In sexual intimacy, two bodies can meet as strangers and walk away as strangers. Emotional intimacy, on the other hand, takes work and commitment.
What we fear here is that others may find out who and what we really are. In genuine relationships we become vulnerable. We don’t like that, we fear that. But it is necessary for good marriages. It is necessary for mending ruptured relationships.
• The fear of success.
Successfully mending a broken relationship brings on MORE and MORE responsibilities. Success brings on challenges. Success demands change. Some of us fear this, choosing rather to remain in some sort of comfort zone even in the midst of conflict and broken relationships.
Well, whether we struggle with the fear of :
• Failure,
• Rejection,
• Intimacy,
• Or Success,
We can gain a true sense of encouragement by recognizing that God doesn’t intend for us to be caught and held in the grip of fear. What He does intend is for us to demonstrate faith.
Well, how are your relationships tonight?
• How are your relationships with your spouse, family, church and others? Are there some things that need correcting?
• How about your relationship with God? Do you need to make some things right with Him?
Remember, we never get too old for broken relationships. And we never get too old for a need to correct them.
Do you have some relationships that need correcting. Make them right today... Right now!
Randall Caselman